So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
