also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
