I puked a lego.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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