If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
