my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
