thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize