So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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