I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
