Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
