oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i will never coherently bang her
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
