Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
