and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
