I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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