I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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