i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
