Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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