my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
