She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize