my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I need help removing her.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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