Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
