apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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