How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
