You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
