I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
