You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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