he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
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