I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
