if you like me you must not know who I am
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize