i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
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