you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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