If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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