Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
