The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
