We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
