it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
