I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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