I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
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