just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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