sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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