Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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