i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
our cab driver is having phone sex.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
