I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
