I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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