she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
