It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
