well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
