Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
