no, he came in my armpit
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
