even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
My liver is preforming stress tests.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
