we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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