I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
