your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize