Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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