I just threw up on my dentist
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
