Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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