Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
