While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
