Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
