He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
