I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize