They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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